Saturday, March 24, 2007

Longing to belong...

There is nothing that I want more than to feel that I belong. But I am not part of the crowd. Forever on the outside looking in. All the time wanting to be at the centre and yet desperate to run away once I get there. Nowhere is this more evident than in a church setting. It is hard to 'belong' in the Catholic church as, like the Anglican churches, we have such large congregations in comparison to many of the free churches. If you've a congregation of thirty, it is easy to get to know everyone. In a Catholic church you are extremely lucky if you know thirty people. I want a nice ready-made community - I don't want to have to work for it. And yet here I am, drawn to irrevocably into trying to build community when it is patently obvious that most don't actually want community - they just want to fulfil the weekly obligation and go home. I don't even have the skills or personality to build community but I feel I have to give it a go. I talk the talk a lot. I try to walk the walk but only manage to stagger about aimlessly. I've been making a concerted effort to do this for 7 years now and it's depressing me. I really try to love people, you know, the old agape business, but I get bugger all back. I know it isn't about what you get out of it but the truth is, I need the encouragement. I know some wonderful people who really care, but I still don't really feel I belong.


Sonrisa said...

At least you know you have given birth to two daughters who don't belong either, so you do belong!

The church thing is confusing. Having spent five months with YMT, fourteen years at an RC school, a few weeks at JPC and about two weeks in CU and not managing to stick, I know how you feel.

The whole having to fit in really sucks. If we our all part of the body of Christ, how come we only seem to follow some people's ideas of worship? Why do some people feel they give their all and get nothing back?

Why do people make no effort at all the get to know the loving Christ that lives inside all of us? Humans are the same everywhere, and that is just reflected in our church circles.

I don't know what my point is or what I'm trying to say, but I guess the point is you're not on your own.

Sonrisa said...

Agh... I meant we "ARE," not we our.